I'm still a little hesitant when it comes to"baring my soul" in a blog, especially concerning spiritual matters, and most especially when those spiritual matters are my own! But that's the very reason why I've decided to go ahead with this post. I very much believe that all things happen for a reason, and that God speaks to us and makes Himself known to us through a variety of ways, some that we understand and some that we don't even realize. So perhaps God will give me my answer here, because nothing is beyond God - of that, I am completely certain.
It involves that old proverbial rut, which my spiritual life has been in for quite some time now, probably for most of this current year. As I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking of this rut and picturing its cool, smooth walls of warm brown mud towering over my head, in front of and behind me. The wall was damp to the touch and I remember thinking how cool and soothing it was. Protective. I thought of how much I wanted to stay here; it was so calm, so non-threatening, so undemanding. Peaceful. And this is how my spirit life has been for some time.
I haven't been to church for some months now. I know I should be going; I simply do NOT want to. I know it's definitely what is expected of me - as a Christian, as a mother and daughter, as a wife and grandmother. But that doesn't make the wanting of it any easier to attain. I simply do not want to go there.
I pray daily, several times a day even, though I know that isn't enough. But still - I pray. I ask God why. Why is it so hard to want to go to church? Shouldn't it be second nature to us? After all, we are made in God's image. I've read somewhere - perhaps it was a Bible study lesson - that part of us (we humans) search out God and we're not satisfied until we find Him. Nothing "second best" will do. Only the peace and love of God will satisfy this timeless urge of ours, this inner craving. But if that's the case, why is it so difficult to want to go to church?
I've been slowly developing a bit of theory for this, though of course I'm not at all sure it's worthwhile. Still.....it's mine and it's what I've been leaning toward more and more. It's this - "church" as we generally know it is made up of God's people. And God's people are full of error, sin, and so forth - including yours truly of course. So is it this that I'm wanting to stay away from? Is it the human factor that I'm having difficulty with? Quite frankly, the idea of visiting a shrine or a deserted church, or even a graveyard, seems inviting to me. But not "going to church".
I have no problem being around God, asking for God's presence and certainly asking for His help and His patience. It's the individuals with all their "human ways" that I'm tired of. I deal with them at work, all day long, five days a week. Then there are the usual issues at home in the evenings, including being a full-time parent and grandparent right now. Don't get me wrong; I wouldn't have this any other way (other than having Laura be here herself as the parent). It's just that it takes all my extra time and - more importantly - all my energy for this role.
So perhaps - just perhaps - this is what God is telling me He's okay with. It isn't necessarily what He wants for all times, but for now He's okay with it. God is okay with me, Jan Fursdon. He knows what I'm going through and He's holding me up and carrying me through it.
Thank you God. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Holy Spirit.
For His Sake I Pray. Amen.
