Life is so confusing! A year ago, I’m not sure I could have told you what a blog was. Now here I am, creating my second one! But I wanted an outlet that I could share my faith struggles - and my successes – with someone other than me! Why? I don’t know. I just love to write, and I like knowing that something I’ve created – whatever that “something” may be – is left behind when I’m gone. Perhaps it’s nothing more than just saying to the world, “Hey! That’s from me! I was there! That’s my mark!” And if I happen to help someone else along the way, then that’s just icing on the cake. Surely there’s someone else out there who’s been through this before? Going through it now? May go through it tomorrow? So here I am – back in my confusing life, wanting answers that I know I can’t have – at least not now. Not before I learn my lessons first. Do my homework first. It’s about process, you know. Not just “the answer”. In grade school, we were forbidden to use calculators in class or on our homework. And if we did use calculators (not that we would have because they were insanely expensive “way back then”), if we did use them, we’d better have the whole process written out right beside the answer so we could prove how we got there”. Maybe that’s what life is all about. Not the end result, but the lessons and the processes we have to follow along the way. I’m sure I’ve read that before somewhere, heard it from someone else. But until I can say it myself and have it related to my own personal experiences, it isn’t “real” to me. But today – yes, it’s real to me today.
So what particular “event” occurred that brings me to this page? Because there’s always something that brings us to a point where we stop and consider, wonder about what we’re doing and why we’re doing it, and whether it’s the right thing to be doing. And hesitating won’t make the telling of it any easier, so here goes.
This particular time it involves me having to make decisions that, while I believe they are the right and necessary thing to do, they aren’t necessarily the Christian thing to do. And even then I think I could argue the point – of whether it is the Christian thing to do. You see - deep down I think of myself as a very decent person for the most part. Perfect by no means whatsoever, but decent, and I try to do the right thing whenever I can, and even a little extra if I can. But that only makes this harder, because the decision I have to make will adversely affect another Christian. I realize now that this is the first time I’ve put the name “Christian” to this other person, but it’s the truth so it stands as written.
Of course I knew when I went into this particular issue that it was a difficult one and likely would only get worse - which it has. But the “saying” of it and the “living” of it are entirely different matters. The guilt I feel is phenomenal, which surprises me a little. After all, why should I feel guilty? I’m not the guilty party!! Well, not entirely. Surely not entirely I tell myself. But there is that part of me which is guilty. Surely, I tell myself, I could have done better, done more, so that it didn’t have to end this particular way? Surely there’s something I could have done or said or been that could have helped. But I didn’t. For whatever reason, I didn’t. And the reason was likely a very legitimate one. They frequently are. But still.....surely I could have done something?
Which brings me to the only solace I can now find. Yes, I could have done more, been better. We all can. Always! But we can never be “too good”. We can never be perfect. Never! Yet God loves me anyway; loves us all – ANYWAY, in spite of what I do not to deserve His grace. And He loves the other Christian too, the one that I must hurt, just as much as He loves me, perhaps even more so.
So much grace! So little deserving. But it is His grace, so I accept it – gladly – thankfully – tearfully - and try to do better. Because it’s the process that’s important, not just the answer. And sometimes it isn’t about the answer at all.
Jan Fursdon
Christian in Training
